I was over at I Blame The Patriarchy reading this article when I felt a flood of relief and gratitude because she had managed to put words to something I have been silently railing against.
“Too often, it’s only when a woman ages out of pornosity, and is too old to do anything but take pictures of cows, that she discovers what the world really thinks of her.”
Except for me? It’s different. You see, as a fat tom boy of a woman I never really HAD the choice about whether or not to play by the patriarchies rules and play the feminine role. I mean sure, fatties can be feminine, I am not arguing that. But me? No.
You see I feel more comfortable in baggy farm clothes, barefoot in my garden, being sweaty, dirty and productive then I ever did wearing that god awful smelly make up that clogs your pores and rubs off every fucking time you touch your face. Or spending time that I could be DOING stuff standing there like an idiot trying to make my hair look… good? Or spending my hard earned money on clothes that somehow MAGICALLY hide that stomach roll of mine.
So you see, I never really got to play my role in the patriarchy in terms of being feminine (and the few times I tried are marked in my mind as the times I was harassed by creepy older men). And the less I am even willing to pretend or fake it, the more rejected I feel on a day to day basis. Usually by men. Sure they love being friends, but dating? HAH!
So reading the sentence “discovers what the world really thinks of her.”? Yeah. I am finding out. And yanno what? It’s pretty much soul destroying. And no pep talks about how someone will appreciate me for me. I fucking doubt it. And in the mean time? Constant fucking rejection.
So what do you do? My filter is dead and gone. I have no more fucking patience for bullshit and games. I am just NOT fucking interested. I am supposed to hate my fat body because it doesn’t enable me to play feminine to the exacting standard of the patriarchy and yet my fat body is mine and its strong and it gets shit done.
But still, I fucking ask, WHAT NOW? Do I, because I don’t play my role, just get used to the idea of being alone and never fulfilling a want of my heart because the system we live in dictates that? Fuck.
And another thing? Sexpozzies? Fuck off. How stupid is this. You think reclaiming sexy empowers you? Sexy is a tool of the patriarchy. Thats like a slave claiming empowerment over taking back slavery while still being a fucking slave.
*Throws hands up in utter frustrations and walks off*