The one thing I have come to realize is that in society, in many situations, we cunt bearers have roles to play. You know what I mean – the perfect Mum, the caring girlfriend, the efficient secretary. Whatever. They aren’t the best examples but fuck it, read on and you will understand what I mean.
Who am I as a person on a day to day basis? I am an extreme introvert. I laugh easily but only at things that actually amuse me. I am quiet, reserved, thoughtful and tend to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open because I am, if nothing else, an observer. I definitely do not open up to just anyone.
But. I am well trained. Put a human being with a cock in front of me that is of suitable quality to consider dating and it’s like a switch is flipped. Barbie mode is engaged and away we go. Suddenly every retarded thing that comes out of their mouth is hilarious. I open up about shit I rarely talk about with anyone in a bid to prove myself interesting and worth getting to know. If it’s online I feign cuteness with absurd emoticons like “:3” which is what? A fucking cat face? I mean yeah it’s amusing and all but it’s not something I do when talking to any other single human being except potential dating material, and only ones with cocks at that. For some reason when talking with women I find attractive and would date, I do not devolve into mindless giggling Barbie mode. I also fake happy when in a grump, which happens on an often enough basis, laugh when I would rather they shut up so I can concentrate on something that actually interests me, and find myself lauding them with false praise for being able to do simple shit I learned when I was 11 – like cook and clean up after themselves.
Yanno what this is? Fucking female socialization. And I am so incredibly fucking sick of falling prey to it. Not only do I NOT want a relationship right now, I am not even sure I am in the right mind space to HAVE one after escaping an abusive marriage and subsequent mind fuck relationship that lasted the better (worse) part of two years.
And yet? The switch gets flipped, the behavior switch happens instantaneously and I sit in my head watching myself going what the fuck just happened, what is going on, why am I DOING this?
Socialization is a powerful thing. In fact I am aware of this shit and haven’t been able to stop it yet. In fact I think that is why I am writing this blog. Because I can SEE all of these fucked up things and I need them acknowledged. I need to write about it. I need to dissect it and maybe in the process severe some fucking arteries and hope it all dies.
Because fuck living in this prison called female socialization.
Do you fall into this too? Lets talk. Comment below.