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Category Archives: Female Socialization

How does one… No. 1

Call it the beginning of a series of question based blog posts. Not necessarily asking for advice, but more asking how YOU cope with something.

So. How do YOU not lose themselves in the dating process in terms of playing the female socialization role, like a good little girl, to attract a partner?

You know what I mean… the challenge it is to be, act, talk and behave a certain way to make oneself more desirable. And, while I am on this subject, I might as well dispel my ignorance and ask is this a struggle in lesbian courting? Or is this a patriarchy infused hetero issue only?

As for me I find myself playing into either the quirky girl trope I mentioned in this blog post, or pretending I am way more cheerful, bubbly, talkative, positive than I really am. I mean ever. In reality I am actually quite reserved, usually deep in my own thoughts, quiet, studious, creative and a perfectionist. So why the smoke screen? Female socialization, yo.

And inevitably, the urge to keep up the smoke screen fades or I just become too preoccupied with LIVING to worry about how brilliantly I am knowing my role, and get pissed at their expectations while they get all “you’re not the saaaaame WAAAAAH!” (Which, incidently reads to me like “You’re not the useless, needy fangirl of me anymoooooore Waaaaaah!”). I mean I admit I would do myself well to just say fuck socialization and let a partner be attracted to what you see is what you get, but then the “OMG I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER!” fear kicks in and acting it is! Except, yanno… when I think about it, being alone sounds pretty fucking awesome… if it didn’t come with the socialization that being alone as a woman = VRT VRT VRT FAILURE! FAILURE!

How do YOU handle this issue?

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Posted by on November 8, 2011 in Female Socialization

 

“You seem so angry!”

I love that term for how incredibly good it is at silencing someone.

“You seem so angry!”
~ Jesus, would you ever shut up about that subject!
~ Why do you always have to complain?
~ You take things to serious/to heart.
~ That issue isn’t really that important/serious/relevant, you’re just ANGRY.

Yanno what? There is a reason people say “If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention!” which is because IT’S FUCKING TRUE. There is a LOT to be angry about with the way the world works today. To be brutally fucking honest, I cannot comprehend anyone who ISN’T angry! Because their head is up their ass, they aren’t paying attention and they certainly aren’t giving a fuck about anyone else’s plight in the world outside of their own desperate need to assimilate into this toxic abusive culture we reside in.

Shit I am angry about: Poverty, sexism, misogyny, rape, abuse in all it hideous forms, government corruption, state sponsored abuse of minorities, porn, the shift of blame off useless fucking governments ONTO welfare recipients as scapegoats who “abuse the system” while ignoring the fucking twats who have brought us to our knees, Dudebros, an educational system that values autonomy and rote learning, c-section rates sky rocketing, formula companies mother shaming to garner profit, AND ON AND FUCKING ON the list goes.

I mean really, there are very few things in my day to day life as a procreating cunt bearer that do not bring me into the direct line of fire with these issues.

But lets get one fucking thing straight, ok? I am NOT an angry person. My anger is a NATURAL and REASONABLE reaction to civilization and the patriarchy. End of fucking story. Do you think I LIKE being angry? No, I don’t. I am ANGRY because of abuses. Remove the abuses and I AM NOT ANGRY. So explain to me why I should stop being angry again? Did the world change? Did the paradigms shift? I didn’t fucking think so.

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i’ve got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you’re a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they’d prefer you
were dirty and smiling”

~Pretty Girl, Ani DiFranco.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2011 in Female Socialization, The Patriarchy

 

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Amanda Palmer?

Of course not – this blog is brand spanking new. Bask in her awesomeness ^_^


Map Of Tasmania ft. Amanda Palmer & Peaches

They don’t play the song on the radio
They don’t show the tits on the video
They don’t know that we are the media
They don’t know that we start the mania
Your Eyes don’t want to see what I’m making you
Your ass is off its seat and I’m shaking you
Walking down the street I’m the lady – ah –
Showing off my map of Tasmania

Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle
Some girls want no shape and they shave it all
That’s so whack, it hurts with the stubble
Walking ’round and look like an eight-year-old
Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle
Some girls want no shape and they shave it all
That’s so whack, it hurts with the stubble
Walking ’round and look like an eight-year-old

I say grow that shit like a jungle
Give ‘em something strong to hold onto
Let it fly in the open wind
If it get too bushy, you can trim

They don’t play the song on the radio
They don’t show the tits on the video
They don’t know that we are the media
They don’t know that we start the mania
You Eyes don’t want to see what I’m making you
Your ass is off its seat and I’m shaking you
Walking down the street I’m the lady – ah –
Showing off my map of Tasmania

My map is symbolic
It get drunk a lot
Hey, does that make it an alcoholic?
Call it M.O.T. for short
Let’s take this bottomless case straight to the court
Freedom down there, i swear, do you see me smirkin’?
Do you see me wearing a merkin ?
Get in the formation let start
Triangle jerkin’
Triangle jerkin’

 

 
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Posted by on October 29, 2011 in Female Socialization, Stuff I love

 

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In which a socialization rant and epiphany collide

The other day I was reading a cracked article about stupid shit Romcoms need to stop “teaching” the general public when a light bulb went off in my head. Here’s the quote and pay attention to the bold:

#4. Not Being Able to Function Socially Makes Someone Attractive and Interesting

The Thing:”If she’s a wide-eyed, crazy, eccentric free-spirit, then she’s actually just the gal you need to straighten your entire life out, man! Bursting out in song in the middle of dinner and not knowing how things work makes a person attractive!”

Worst Offenders:The New Girl,Garden State.

This trope has been around so long that it’s actually been given a name. Film critic Nathan Rabin calls it the Manic Pixie Dream Girl character and describes it as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.” It’s any chick in a movie who is more style than substance, and whose free-spiritedness and unconventional approach to life is meant to cover up for her general inability to function socially. And and it’s insulting to both genders.

Zooey Deschanel’s character in The New Girl is probably the clearest example of this right now, as that entire show is based around how quirky and eccentric and, as a result, lovable, Zooey’s character (I think her name is “Eyeface”) is. Except she’s not so much “eccentric” as much as she is “bad at being alive and functioning socially, in the present.” One of her main conflicts in the pilot is that she has a date at a fancy restaurant, but doesn’t know what to wear so she puts on overalls! Classic Eyeface! And one of the male characters on the show goes goofy-eyed and clearly starts falling in love with her instead of, say, yelling, “You’re 27 years old, how do you not know how to dress and function yet? Get your shit together.”

It needs to stop because guys shouldn’t live their lives expecting a woman like this to exist. No guy should be waiting around for a quirky, blue-haired, horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing chick to show up and fix his entire life, because what woman would want to deal with that expectation and level of pressure?

It also needs to stop because I don’t want wide-eyed gals to think they need to act like vapid morons to attract guys. Because I’m an average, twenty-something male in 2011 America, I’ve developed a pop-culture induced soft spot for pale chicks with giant eyes and bangs

And, unfortunately, Hollywood is trying to convince women who look like this that being brainless goofballs who don’t understand how life works is an appealing personality type, and I just can’t let that stand.

Hollywood is still teaching women that “dumb” is “attractive,” they’re just hipsterfying it. I don’t know when it happened (maybe after Clueless?), but sometime after the ’90s, “Quirky Eccentric Weird Chick” became the new Bimbo. She’s just as insultingly one-dimensional as the archetypal Ditsy Blonde Bombshell Valley Girl character that was all over the place a decade ago, except now she wears vintage knee-socks and listens to The Smiths, and that’s supposed to be better, for some reason.”

 Link to original article

Ignoring the condescending tone of the article and light bulb having gone off it got me thinking. It got me thinking that in the last decade as this trope invaded all those silly light hearted romcoms, it’s dug it’s insidious fucking claws into my life in two ways. One being me playing this role to attract men and two men looking for these attributes in a woman so while initially attracted to the silly free spirited pixie they think they have found, when they get to know you all bets are off, because finding the independent, strong, fierce personality underneath that expects you to be a grown capable fucking adult is enough to deflate the biggest fucking hard-on.

This has happened to me repeatedly. And every time I am standing in the dust of a collapsed relationship, thinking what the fuck just happened… whiiiiile pretty much being aware of the fact that at some point, I wasn’t playing my role well enough and scared the stupid fuck off.

Which brings me to the here and now. So there’s this guy. He’s cool, smart, funny, etc. I like him. I could see myself crushing on him and get the occasional squee giddy crush moment. But I am older and wiser and it’s not consuming my god damn life. So I have perspective – I can step back and observe my socialization at work in bonding with this guy. And yanno what I saw? Me starting to play this fucking role again. Portraying myself as this quirky, cute, eccentric gentle hippy out in the country side growing purdy flowers, being the soft gentle Mum nurturing her child despite hardships.

Sounds enticing and sweet right?

Except for all the eccentricity and cuteness you find in me? I am also a fucking cynical cunt who is so shit sick of the status quo, the patriarchy and mainstream society that I opted the fuck out and now hide on my hill surrounding myself with like minded people because I am FUCKING FED UP. I am angry, I am disenfranchised, I am loud and up in my ever so cute little garden, I am usually covered in sweat, mud, chicken shit and yelling at the dog to quit chasing the fucking chickens. Have I mentioned the cynicism? Swearing? Hairy arm pits? And bad fucking temper? What about the fact that I am fat? No? I guess that doesn’t fit into the fucking trope I was socialized into.

I also expect men to fucking take care of themselves. And yet?

I invited this lad up to the house and my first concern was what will I cook for dinner and is my house clean?

I might be flat fucking broke, unable to afford feeding him and so exhausted by my very real health issues that after doing all these wonderful things to fulfill my role that I am trained to play, the next fucking day I will be in bed, sore, unable to do much besides take care of the basics.

But hey! I played my role! I ensured I fluttered around, made myself as attractive as possible and lured the peen bearer to me JUST SO without giving away the truth lurking behind of who I am which might scare him away.

This is what society and my family has taught me. This is how I function now. Except I refuse, and watch how fun THAT’S going to be.

No wonder I want a fucking flame thrower for Christmas.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 22, 2011 in Female Socialization

 

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A womans highest calling is serving her family…

Fuck you, it is.

First of all this kind of stupid mentality pre-supposes a proverbial fuck ton of stuff. That she WILL have a family, that she will be HAPPY having a family and that serving said family is the ultimate fulfillment. That’s not even touching on the fact that it flat out declares that there is NOTHING better in life a cunt bearer could do then use her cunt. To fuck her husband, to birth her children, and then serve both.

Again with the fuck you.

And yet, this message is bludgeoned into women from the word go. Pink wee dollies all dressed in frills gifted on special occasions to the cooes and awws of family pushing her to nurture the plastic princess to gain adoring glances and much sought after approval. Wee kitchens color themed in feminized colors like pink, white and purple. Awww look! An e z bake oven to train you that slaving away over food isn’t work! It’s FUN!

Do I need to reiterate the fuck you? No? You with me?

I was driving home today and thinking about what a shock it’s been to realize how much happier I am outside of a traditional family unit with my daughter. And how much I struggle with feeling like I failed by not being in a hetero family centric situation with another womb sprog on the way. There is nothing in my life to indicate I failed – my child is incredibly happy, easy going, creative, smart and enjoyable. I am happiest alone or in her company, working on various projects around the house and doing my art. So what the fuck of this situation indicates a failure at life? Nothing.

Except female socialization. That a womans highest calling is have dinner on the table when her man gets home from a hard days work. That perfectly ironed clothing and matching outfits and numerous happy smiling well behaved children quantify her worth. And if she IS to work outside the home, god forbid anything at home suffers or she slacks off there, effectively doubling her workload. It’s just fucking ludicrous when you stop and muse on it a moment.

I like a clean house but I fucking hate cleaning. I am a damn good cook and loath doing dishes. In fact I would rather shovel chicken shit outside in the rain then be within ten feet of a sink full of dishes. I regularly ignore chores to build things in my garden or work on art projects. Some nights we eat popcorn, apples and yogurt for dinner because there are more interesting things to do then slave over a meal. It’s food. It’s filling. It’s meeting your nutritional needs, now lets go DO stuff.

And yet this nagging feeling of doing it wrong lingers.

But it’s cool. I can say fuck you as many times as I need to.

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2011 in Female Socialization, House keeping

 

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Play your role! – Dating

The one thing I have come to realize is that in society, in many situations, we cunt bearers have roles to play. You know what I mean – the perfect Mum, the caring girlfriend, the efficient secretary. Whatever. They aren’t the best examples but fuck it, read on and you will understand what I mean.

Who am I as a person on a day to day basis? I am an extreme introvert. I laugh easily but only at things that actually amuse me. I am quiet, reserved, thoughtful and tend to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open because I am, if nothing else, an observer. I definitely do not open up to just anyone.

But. I am well trained. Put a human being with a cock in front of me that is of suitable quality to consider dating and it’s like a switch is flipped. Barbie mode is engaged and away we go. Suddenly every retarded thing that comes out of their mouth is hilarious. I open up about shit I rarely talk about with anyone in a bid to prove myself interesting and worth getting to know. If it’s online I feign cuteness with absurd emoticons like “:3” which is what? A fucking cat face? I mean yeah it’s amusing and all but it’s not something I do when talking to any other single human being except potential dating material, and only ones with cocks at that. For some reason when talking with women I find attractive and would date, I do not devolve into mindless giggling Barbie mode. I also fake happy when in a grump, which happens on an often enough basis, laugh when I would rather they shut up so I can concentrate on something that actually interests me, and find myself lauding them with false praise for being able to do simple shit I learned when I was 11 – like cook and clean up after themselves.

Fucking what?

Yanno what this is? Fucking female socialization. And I am so incredibly fucking sick of falling prey to it. Not only do I NOT want a relationship right now, I am not even sure I am in the right mind space to HAVE one after escaping an abusive marriage and subsequent mind fuck relationship that lasted the better (worse) part of two years.

And yet? The switch gets flipped, the behavior switch happens instantaneously and I sit in my head watching myself going what the fuck just happened, what is going on, why am I DOING this?

Socialization is a powerful thing. In fact I am aware of this shit and haven’t been able to stop it yet. In fact I think that is why I am writing this blog. Because I can SEE all of these fucked up things and I need them acknowledged. I need to write about it. I need to dissect it and maybe in the process severe some fucking arteries and hope it all dies.

Because fuck living in this prison called female socialization.

Do you fall into this too? Lets talk. Comment below.

Much love,
Tafff’y

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2011 in Dating, Female Socialization

 

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