I was over at I Blame The Patriarchy reading this article when I felt a flood of relief and gratitude because she had managed to put words to something I have been silently railing against.
“Too often, it’s only when a woman ages out of pornosity, and is too old to do anything but take pictures of cows, that she discovers what the world really thinks of her.”
Except for me? It’s different. You see, as a fat tom boy of a woman I never really HAD the choice about whether or not to play by the patriarchies rules and play the feminine role. I mean sure, fatties can be feminine, I am not arguing that. But me? No.
You see I feel more comfortable in baggy farm clothes, barefoot in my garden, being sweaty, dirty and productive then I ever did wearing that god awful smelly make up that clogs your pores and rubs off every fucking time you touch your face. Or spending time that I could be DOING stuff standing there like an idiot trying to make my hair look… good? Or spending my hard earned money on clothes that somehow MAGICALLY hide that stomach roll of mine.
So you see, I never really got to play my role in the patriarchy in terms of being feminine (and the few times I tried are marked in my mind as the times I was harassed by creepy older men). And the less I am even willing to pretend or fake it, the more rejected I feel on a day to day basis. Usually by men. Sure they love being friends, but dating? HAH!
So reading the sentence “discovers what the world really thinks of her.”? Yeah. I am finding out. And yanno what? It’s pretty much soul destroying. And no pep talks about how someone will appreciate me for me. I fucking doubt it. And in the mean time? Constant fucking rejection.
So what do you do? My filter is dead and gone. I have no more fucking patience for bullshit and games. I am just NOT fucking interested. I am supposed to hate my fat body because it doesn’t enable me to play feminine to the exacting standard of the patriarchy and yet my fat body is mine and its strong and it gets shit done.
But still, I fucking ask, WHAT NOW? Do I, because I don’t play my role, just get used to the idea of being alone and never fulfilling a want of my heart because the system we live in dictates that? Fuck.
And another thing? Sexpozzies? Fuck off. How stupid is this. You think reclaiming sexy empowers you? Sexy is a tool of the patriarchy. Thats like a slave claiming empowerment over taking back slavery while still being a fucking slave.
*Throws hands up in utter frustrations and walks off*
The Anonymous Fat Freethinking Feminist 
Notorious Ph.D.
October 23, 2011 at 10:14 pm
Dear Taffy — I get this. I just posted over at Twisty’s place, and my issue was age, rather than fat (though I’ve been there, too). Here’s the thing: I accepted that there was nothing to be done about the fact that my body was not going to conform to fuckability standards. Accepting that gave me the freedom to let go of trying to make everything else conform. And my life got better because of it, because I don’t try to be something I’m not.
Of course, the rub comes in something else you indicate in this post: that there are things we may want — sex, companionship, babies, whatever — that opting out seems to close the door on. I don’t have a good answer for this, except to say that I’ve discovered that having those things but losing myself in the process is a piss-poor trade-off that I’m not willing to make anymore. And I’ve discovered that my life without them is a happy place, generally.
And as to those well-intentioned “You’ll find someone” types? Yes, I want to throttle them as well, first because they have no way of knowing, and second, because it re-imposes standards on me that I’m doing the hard work of shedding.
That’s all I’ve got, except words of encouragement: stay strong, and stay yourself.
tafffy
October 28, 2011 at 7:30 am
Thanks for the reply and support ❤
The Sobbing Fatty
October 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm
Day-um, that is some great blaming. I hear your sorrow and frustration, and it resonates. The crap about “But someone will love you for YOOOOOOUU,” is small consolation when living under the P.
Meryn Cadell, in her brilliant song, “The Sweater,” nails it:
“Just be yourself
The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself
Definitely wear lip gloss.”
tafffy
October 28, 2011 at 7:28 am
❤ that quote!!!
keira
October 24, 2011 at 12:00 am
Good on you.
It doesn’t matter what you look like in reality, either – the goal of the patriarchy is to make you feel shit and spend your time and hard earned on carcinogenic, sticky, pink crap regardless of whether you’ve got the young/thin/pretty/white thing or any other thing going on.
(not trying to deny privilege here, just saying it affects everyone, differently and similarly at once)
doctressjulia
October 24, 2011 at 7:23 am
Spot on. I gave up recently, too. How fast men drop you once they realize you will never let them prong you.
Jaffa
October 24, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Solidarity!
I loved this sentence: “and yet my fat body is mine and its strong and it gets shit done.” Sounds like you already have a good idea about “what now.”
tafffy
October 28, 2011 at 7:32 am
Aye, I just hate being punished for it, yanno?
Thanks for the comment ❤
squiggystardust
October 24, 2011 at 11:24 pm
It’s similar to the burka-wearing muslim women being so furious at any sanctions to keep them from wearing them wherever that was. The backlash was that even non-covered up women fiercely defended their ‘love of their culture’ and began wearing burkas as a ‘choice.’
lizor
October 27, 2011 at 2:11 pm
Beautiful!
Blue
October 28, 2011 at 2:37 am
All I can say is, you are fucking AWESOME and I know exactly what you mean.
tafffy
October 28, 2011 at 7:36 am
:3 Thanks ^_^
Catherine Maynard
October 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm
Too much f..king an sh..ting around here. These ugly pseudo- intensifiers undercut forceful communication. Say what you mean and trust the reader to supply the emotion.
tafffy
October 30, 2011 at 12:58 pm
If I wanted advice about how to write, I’d have asked for it. You’re welcome to your opinion that swearing detracts from communication, and to put that into practice in your own writing. If my writing style distracts you from commenting on the substance of the article and it’s topic then feel free to move on in silence without abrupt lectures. Thanks
tinfoil hattie
October 30, 2011 at 9:07 pm
Ha!The cussing made me laugh, and was reminiscent of tje way I talk. I love it! Fuck tjat shit oif people don’t like it!
Catherine Maynard
October 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm
Prceisely the response I expected. I see the use of the tough guy intensifiers as a revealing aspect of the substance of the article and its (not it’s) topic,
tafffy
October 31, 2011 at 10:23 am
That’s… great. Thanks for sharing your incredible insight.
VV
November 2, 2011 at 10:47 pm
Wow. This blog is full of awesome. Glad to have found it.
Ugsome
November 4, 2011 at 10:20 am
The term sex-positive puzzles me. What, like everyone else is sex-negative? The term sex-positive is as implicitly slanderous as pro-life or attachment parenting.
tafffy
November 8, 2011 at 8:29 am
That’s an interesting way to look at the term attachment parenting… Never even thought of it that way.
Ginmar Rienne
November 4, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Oh,God, I saw that thing at Feministe and….I had my own encounter with Holly which revealed how very quick she is to label you an unfun feminist—while she’s the good one that likes stuff. And don’t you dare call her on her various forms of pandering, either. That was before I read the comments that Twisty copied direct from her website….which Holly left out when she called Twisty nuts. Just like she left out the fact that domestic violence—itself a euphemism—-is not some gender-neutral phenomenon. However, one’s gotta suck up to teh menz.
I had to keep asking people to STFU about their lipstick habits and how much they really loved men, and how their hubbie was a great guy and how they really didn’t mind about the housework, honest every time I criticized some aspect of any of those things. The impulse to apologize for one’s existence, for one’s not meeting the standard, is just about irresistible. Just apologizing for shit you didn’t do all the time will dent your self esteem. Getting it from people who you trusted—as with some sex positive feminists—-can be even more devastating.
Just by eschewing the obligatory antics expected of women—-“I’m sorry, but….oh, this is just my opinion, but……Excuse me, may I—?’ is enough to arouse incredible hostility. As women we’re supposed to apologize for everything we do that isn’t dude-related. I guess it makes certain other women extraordinarily nervous when they see other women not conforming—-and what’s appeasing men but completely conforming?
tafffy
November 8, 2011 at 8:31 am
FanfuckingTASTIC point. Thanks for this awesome comment.